Parenting Beyond Divorce and Coping with Reduced Time After Divorce
Today I am joined by Brian Burns, who has been on the show many times, and is just one of my favorite family therapists! He always has such great insight and tips to share with my listeners. For this episode, Brian is talking about how to parent beyond divorce and cope with seeing your children less. He gives wonderful tips about how to navigate a difficult co-parenting relationship, and how to maintain connection with your children even when they are at the other parent's house. Tune in to ease your mind about not being with your children as much and how to make your time with them even more intentional.
In this episode:
[4:04] How do we not get baited into conflict while co-parenting?
[6:12] What do you do if you cannot co-parent with your ex?
[11:47] Does Brian agree that if kids are with a healthy parent 50% of the time that they’ll be fine?
[13:19] How do we let go and accept that you won’t be with your kid every night?
[20:48] Brian gives advice for helping parents who are adjusting to co-parenting with young kids.
Key Takeaways:
You can only choose how you act, you are only 50% of your co-parenting relationship. Take responsibility for what you can, and be the best parent that you can be for your children. Focus on what is important to you, and be intentional with the time you have with your children.
While adjusting to a co-parenting schedule, remember the love that the other parent has for the children. It is often true that your ex spouse is a good parent, maybe just not a great co-parent. They love your children and are doing the best they can be doing.
Stay connected with your children when they aren't with you, but don’t make it about you. Utilize technology to send a message letting them know that you are thinking of them, and as a way to stay connected. It’s a beautiful thing when technology can be used in a positive way, plus it can reduce the need for you and your ex to talk to each other.
Quotes:
“You are your own boss, you find your own direction, decision making, judgment from within yourself, and you don’t look to other people to define you or to be in charge of how you feel, or to make you feel good about yourself. Having an internal focus of control or an internal sense of yourself that you're in charge of yourself is the answer.” - Brian Burns
“Remind yourself that it’s not about you, remind yourself that the best parents do let their kids go. That our job is to make it so that they don’t need us anymore.” - Brian Burns
Guest Bio:
I’m Brian Burns, and I have been practicing as a licensed family therapist since January 1999. I specialize in helping adults in the midst of relationship crises restore trust, intimacy, and communication. Whenever possible, I prefer to help couples save and strengthen their marriages or committed relationships. However, not all relationships can (or should) stay together. In these cases, I help the couple end the relationship in a way that is healthy for everyone, especially when there are children involved.
​
I am also a certified mediator, parenting coach, and Rule-29 Neutral in the State of MN. This means I have the skills and experience necessary to help parents who are divorced to make agreements about parenting in a collaborative and child-centered manner. I believe that even though conflict and fear can bring out the worst in people, everyone has the capacity to be a better version of themselves, and that our children need us to give it all we have to be our best.
Resources:
