Should I Stay or Should I Go; 'The D Word' Author Kate Anthony

How do you know when it’s time to divorce? That’s a question I often receive from clients, so I decided to bring on Divorce Coach and Author, Kate Anthony to help answer this question. During this encore episode, we discuss what to look at when you are considering divorce and how to determine if divorce is the right decision for you. We also talk about why many women are unhappy in their marriages, and if that is a reflection of the marriage itself or the life that they are living. We ended the episode with a discussion around how to know if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and if the diagnosis even really matters. Kate is someone that I’ve looked up to for a long time, I love her podcast and I’ve even taken some of her courses to help me with mediation. She is such a joy to learn from, I can’t wait for you to tune in. 

In this episode:

• [4:20] Kate shares what led her to do the work that she’s doing now. 
• [8:18] What are the first things to look at when thinking about getting a divorce? 
• [11:25] Why do women get unhappy in their marriage?
• [18:25] Kate gives her insight on when people are married and there is nothing wrong with their marriage, but that they have fallen out of love. 
• [23:22] How to know if your spouse is a narcissist and what to do about it.
• [28:24] Kate offers a piece of advice for helping women reach the decision if they are truly wanting a divorce or not. 

Key Takeaways: 

• [11:33] Women are so over stretched with everything that they have on their plates and are carrying an unequal load compared to their husbands. Society has women working, paying the bills, keeping up the house, being the main caregiver for the children, and managing everything that comes with those tasks such as doctor appointments, extracurricular activities, presents for special occasions, etc. Then they also have to be the ones to care for their husband and understand his flaws and balance those out as well. 
• [16:34] There has been a study done that shows the happiest people in Western culture are married men. The second happiest are single women, the third happiest are single men. Married women are the least happy people in Western culture. 
• [21:57] A loving relationship is when both spouses feed the health, safety, and sanctity of the relationship. When both people are willing to put in the work to help the other be fulfilled and find happiness, while also doing the work on themselves, the marriage is a happier place to be.

Quotes: 

[11:33] “Women are unhappy in their marriages because marriage, the institution as we understand it or as we live it today, benefits men on the backs of women and our labor, whether it's domestic labor, emotional labor, we're carrying an absolutely unequal load.” - Kate Anthony

[13:22] We spend so much time going, ‘but he had a really hard childhood and I understand why he is the way that he is and it's really hard for him.’ And okay, I can understand the way that he is and have compassion, great compassion. But I'm not going to have more compassion for his childhood wounding than I am for how he's dumping that on me.” - Kate Anthony

[16:10] “Feminism means that you believe that women have equal rights to men and should have them under the law and in our culture and in relationships. Like that's, this is not a bad word unless you're in a relationship or a system that very, very, very much depends upon us not having that equality, which most relationships do.” - Kate Anthony

Guest Bio: 

Kate Anthony is the author of The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage, host of the critically acclaimed and New York Times recommended podcast The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast and the creator...