Heartbroken and Divorced in MN? Let's Start Healing with the Divorced Girl Smiling
Jul 18, 2023
Heartbreak comes in all shapes, sizes, and types. Whether you are suffering from the loss of a loved one, the end of a friendship, or dissolving your marriage, there are many feelings that come up along the way. On this week’s episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Jackie Pilossoph, who is the creator of Divorced Girl Smiling. She provided so many amazing insights into handling heartbreak, and helped me to see that the ending of a friendship can carry the same emotions that your MN divorce does.
The first step to working through heartbreak is to take a step back and understand WHY the ending of the relationship is so hurtful. Sit with the feeling of heartbreak, and write down what it is you are experiencing. Are you angry, ashamed, grieving? What are the feelings you are having? Then write down why you are having those feelings. Maybe you are feeling ashamed because you are worried how others will judge what they thought was a happy relationship, or because your parents will be upset that you are a statistic of divorce. Once you have those answers, then have some self compassion and ask yourself these questions:
- Don’t I deserve better?
- Don’t I deserve to be treated better than this?
- Don’t I love myself enough to say “yeah it might be kind of lonely without this person, and I might miss him or her, but in the end I deserve to be treated differently.”
Typically there are three reasons for a breakup to happen:
- You didn’t want to see the trouble that was already there. There are many times that people will overlook the red flags that were in front of them because they want to believe that this person is the one for me, or the clock is ticking to get married and have a family, and I’m in love. But they miss the toxic behavior that may be happening in the relationship, or how communication doesn’t line up.
- The relationship ends because you are tired of being hurt and realize that your spouse is never going to change. If you are the only one putting in work to try and fix your relationship issues, the issues are not going to change. It takes two people to create a successful relationship and they both really have to want it.
- You truly love the person you are married to, but they aren’t as committed. This often happens in a relationship where someone cheats or they end up asking for a divorce. No matter how much you love them, you cannot change the choices that they are making.
There are times when your ex will change after the divorce, and it can be hard to see that. Likely they either haven’t really changed but are putting on a good front for their new relationship, or they did change as a result of the divorce. Maybe seeing the person they love actually walk away was enough of a wakeup call.
I do want to say that sometimes, marriages can be fixed and divorce avoided if both partners want it to. At times, if one person takes control of their actions and changes, the spouse will follow suit and want to better themselves as well. So although it takes work, marriages can be saved with effort. If the relationship can’t be fixed, then remember to sit with your feelings, and allow yourself to feel the grieving and pain so that you can come out on the other side stronger and knowing what you want.
Jackie has put together such an incredible list of resources on her website, it's like Angie's List of divorce contacts, so please check out her page! As always, I am here to help with divorce mediation in the Minnesota area, so reach out to me if you are looking for a mediation expert.
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