4 Simple Steps to Deal with the Shame of Asking for a Divorce
Sep 01, 2022
Self Love Yourself to death and use Divorce as Springboard to a Better Life
As a divorce mediator in Woodbury, MN, I give people what they want by getting them through the divorce process effectively and efficiently. I give people what they need by coaching them to a better life.
I LOVE keeping people united even when they divorce. Walking clients through a difficult marriage or divorce as a united front is my calling. A big part of this work is helping people feel heard and respected. And sometimes that begins with loving and respecting themselves.
My clients can be so hard on themselves, especially if they are the one initiating the divorce. I have learned through my own struggles of feeling unworthy that this is not an effective tool. I begin every mediation by teaching my clients a self coaching tool I learned from my coach. There are 4 steps; they are simple, not always easy. I continue to work through these steps on a daily basis. Grab a sheet of paper, here is what it looks like:
- Circumstance: What is the circumstance you are dealing with? Just the facts. This is neutral. If you are the one asking for divorce your Circumstance could be: Asking for a Divorce.
- Feeling: How does this make you feel? Guilty? Remorseful?
- Thought: What is the thought that makes you feel this way? It does take a lot of practice to differentiate between thoughts and feelings. The thought could be: If I were a better person, I would stay in the marriage. Or maybe, I am a terrible person for wanting to get out of the marriage. (Remember I don’t want to give you your thoughts, I just want to help you see the process of finding your own.)
- Action: When you are feeling this way how do you show up? I find at this stage I never show up as my best self. Maybe I drag my feet…just putting off the inevitable; which really doesn’t help anyone. Maybe I circle around in guilt, unable to be there for myself or my family.
Ok so now that you have done this work (this is what we call your primitive brain); I have a treat for you. You do not need to think or feel this way! You can control your mindset by coming up with a new thought that is believable. This is called using your prodigy brain. Here’s how it could look:
- Circumstance: The circumstance is the same. Asking for a divorce. Ok, now I take things out of order. I go to three first and come up with a believable thought that will change how I feel.
- Feeling: Ok, I think thought 3 is believable. This would give me relief and make me feel peace that I was doing the right thing for both of us.
- Thought: It is quite possible divorce will benefit my spouse by helping her/him spread their wings and find true happiness with someone who loves them and they love back.
- Action: Now imagine how you would act with the above feelings and thoughts. Probably much better than you were in your primitive brain. You may see yourself being supportive and strong and sharing this thought with your spouse. You also would be confident in moving forward and taking action.
I am here for you and I want to help you Do Divorce Different~Better!
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